Run Away

Eric texted me from inside the house last night, looking for me. I was downstairs alone in the dark, curled up and crying. He asked if I wanted to watch something on tv and eat popcorn. I texted back, no, I want to run away. And this:

“If I could run away...

I’d go where people don’t wear masks,

And steer clear of me walking down the street,

Where I could meet a new person and smile at them

and know what their face looked like.

Where I could embrace a friend and cry on their shoulder.

Where people weren’t full of hate and intolerance, and we all knew the same truths.

Where people weren’t afraid all the time,

Like I am.

I’d fly to an island and lay on the sand in a bikini, the sun hot on my belly.

I’d play tennis for hours, relishing the feel of the racquet smashing the ball, the shared joy of competition with teammates.

I’d go alone to a darker movie theater with a bunch of strangers and immerse myself in a brilliant story on the screen, or

to a packed-house live theater performance, and feel the thrill as the curtain raises.

I’d go to a game with a thousand cheering fans, or

a concert with believers swaying, eyes closed, moved alone and together.

I’d drive to my friends in California and drink and dance and laugh about the old times.

I’d fly to Alaska and tell my tribe of women all my failings knowing they would love and forgive me and pray with me.

Then drink and dance and laugh.

About everything.

I’d go where someone was tender with my heart and would just hold me.

Where honest and kind communication was easy.

Where my lost dreams were just known and grieved with me,

Where my raw and open heart was not broken all the time.

I’d go where my son wasn’t dying in front of me.”

Ok, that was probably too long of a response to his question...too much? I went upstairs and watched tv and ate popcorn.

But.

If I must stay, and I really have absolutely no choice...

I will take care of my son’s needs and make his days happy.

I will be kind to my battle-weary heart, forgive my own rawness and

Be generous with my grace and forgiveness to others.

I’ll remember there’s no romance found on the battlefield,

But a strong consistent partnership can win wars.

I’ll lick my wounds and prepare for the next onslaught of challenges.

I’ll stand up against the chaos, the horror, the sadness,

bending against it,

even on days I can’t move forward.

I’ll stay put in this house to protect those I love,

make this bubble as small and tight as we need.

I’ll keep my eye on him during the day,

And listen for him at night.

Prepare the food, count out meds, manage pain,

Worry

Grieve

But keep going,

One hour at a time.

There will be no flights out of here,

Only the fight

For now

I won’t run away.