LLAP (Live Long and Prosper)

August 2023

I recently made a brave decision to watch a TV show. Okay, I know that sounds stupid.

But sometimes the smallest steps on a grief journey are worth taking a moment to celebrate.

I vowed after Ben’s death I’d never be able to watch Star Trek again. There was a new series coming out in the Spring of Ben’s passing that we were both looking forward to. For the last two years, I have been bitterly passing over it while scrolling the tv menu for something to watch.

But being on a solo trip to Portland recently, I felt a softening to that rigid vow. I was intentionally taking time to feel the feelings of loss and longing that come with being in the place he lived. Perhaps there could be a sliver of healing in the immersion of Star Trek. Of him.

I set myself up with comfort food and a blanket and, with the courage of my one finger, clicked to “Strange New Worlds.”

Oh my goodness. I loved it! What a sweet gift it was to make myself watch this show. I thought I’d be an emotional wreck, but I was simultaneously feeling bolstered in love by the warm feelings of being in the place he used to live.

I love this show, its characters, the Captain, the depth of writing and philosophy. I’m a Trekkie through and through. It felt good to reconnect with that part of me. Indeed, healing.

And I’m grateful for the time and courage to move through one more hump of grief. Sweet Ben and his Star Trek. Our shared fantasized universe. Weird. And lovely.

But I’ll now, once again, proudly wear my Starfleet arrowhead emblem over my heart, well, at least tucked inside my heart…come on, I’m not that big of a nerd!