Anniversaries

November 2023

October 31, 2023

Grief is tenacious

Today is the nine-year anniversary of my dad’s death. Tomorrow will be one year since a best friend’s son’s death. My other friends had to put down their beloved dog yesterday. And it’s randomly two years, 28 weeks and one day since Ben’s death.

 These “anniversaries” all hurt today. My heart is a wreck. I can’t even begin to explain the tiny triggers that have set off the tears.

 Grief is just tricky. It’s both transient and tenacious, piling on without consideration or remorse. It comes and goes of its own volition. Tis the wicked nature of the intruder.

I wish I knew how to prepare for the gut-punches of sorrow. I wish I could punch back.

There is no timeline for how long grief will continue to appear. It’s carried forever where deep love is lost.

When my heart is so raw, like it has been this last week, I try to give myself a pep talks. “Hey, your tears honor the person.” Or, “Hey, it’s a good thing to be so tender hearted.” Or, “Hey, it’s sure not as bad as it was last year.” You’re brave, a survivor,” blah, blah, blah.

 Honestly, the pep talks aren’t working today. I’m just tired of the losses that run the gamut from seeing family and friends hurting, to feeling the simple loss of my body aging, to trying to process the atrocities of war. It’s just a lot.

 Today I might curl up and cry for 15 minutes, watch tv and go to bed early. Tomorrow may be better. One day at a time.